As I posted only recently and several other times, I love to tell fibs, especially to my kids. So imagine MY horror when I discovered the other day my own Mum has been lying to ME for a whopping TWENTY THREE YEARS.n (No, it’s not some reverse Eastenders shock where I find out my “mother” is actually my sister, stay with me, I’ll need to take you back in time for this one).

I’m six years old. I’ve just stepped on a snail. The snail is writhing, still alive, its poor cracked shell ruined. I’m crying my eyes out, big style. My Mum comes out to see what the ruckus is and soothes me with this little nugget:

“It’s okay Luce, it’ll just be a slug now.”

ALL THESE YEARS I’ve thought snails who lose their shells become slugs! And it’s not true. I’m sorry if I’ve just shattered your illusions now, but I have my own pain to deal with.

I’m retiring for the weekend – now – with a bottle of gin.

See you Monday… maybe.

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11 Responses to STOP PRESS: My Mum In Big Fib Shock

  1. Helenolderbutwiser says:

    If you were a gardener you wouldn’t care. Death to slugs!

  2. Robin Kelly says:

    I’m even more confused than usual (imagine that), do you mean:

    “It’s okay Luce, it’ll just be a slug now.”

  3. Lucy says:

    Helen you’re heartless!!!

    Cripes! My addled brain… yes I mean SLUG! This is how traumatised I am

    Will change it Robino, cheers

  4. Pamela Schott says:

    How cute is that! Does she know you believed her this long?

    We used to have slugs where I grew up. They liked to come into the laundry room at night, for warmth, I guess (maybe they felt a chill after they lost their shells?). I remember my oldest brother would scream like a girl when, stumbling around in the early morning getting ready for school, he’d step on one of them.

    So. gross.

  5. Helenolderbutwiser says:

    Heartless? Yes. Hahahahaha

    (Maniacal pantomime villain laugh)

    Beer traps are good.
    So are nematodes (natural parasites)
    But jumping up and down on them in wellies is very satisfying. Squelch squerch. Or crunch, if they are snails.

    Just wait until the little buggers have eaten your prize dahlias…

  6. Mr Brainwhispers says:

    When I was a litte boy my Mum used to tell me that Garibaldi Biscuits were made with squashed flies. She said everyone eats them and its fine.
    Well I loved Garibaldi biscuits. They were my fave biscuits when growing up.

    Years later she regretted telling that porky pie when I made some in Home Ec class.

    How was I to know they should be currants?

    She was in hospital for 4 days!

    Serves her right. It took me bloody ages to collect the 100 flies I estimated I needed for the recipe.

    Do you know how difficult it is to catch 100 flies? Do you?

    I had to do a weeks worth of no.2’s on the garden patio and sit over them with a little pond net in the middle of June to catch enough.


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  10. Tim Clague says:

    I can’t believe you would blog this! ha ha ha

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